When teaching asana and in life, I will ALWAYS remember the student/ being comes first, and the adjustments and corrections second. It is now a visible scar.
What, is the purpose of the teacher? To care, one, and to guide, two. All in divine timing.
Today- another high peak. In retrospect, all is happening as it should. I have had alot of signs & opportunities with this, and it seems it is going somewhere I cannot be sure of right now. Right now is the peak of the insight and I feel loss, frustration, anger and mainly sadness. Fortunately I am not the anger or the sadness, and once this clears, I will be alot more free....
Many teachers have showed me little pieces of this trauma, and it has taken years to recognise. So as the Buddhist monks recently directed me, you can direct love out all you want, you need to heal yourself, and have compassion for yourself. I could not feel this pain through disconnection and have never quite been grounded, never really felt safe and soothed.
I am venting a little, and remember, all i want, is 'its ok' and 'i understand.' Compassion, to me, means understanding and these are all patterns unfolding from our ancestors. Inadequacy has grown, overtime. From being criticised, to not feeling loved, to comparing to others, to competitiveness, to putting them down, making them small and you 'big.' I asked to see this so that I could learn and if you're reading this there is good chance you want to know too.
I think it is mainly about the energy of the direction and interaction. If a correction is done with the energy of fear, and I need to fix you, my ego says I am better than you and I can manipulate and control you, and no concern or care for the soul inside, it does cause harm, and it is a matter of self worth.... it can either be on top shelf, physically played out, or the people will feel it deeply, unconsciously or consciously. Too much can lead to feelings of... this is useless, why bother, i must be useless!! Why can't i ever get it right? A step in the path of self punishment, eating disorders, suicide and/or awakening & liberation.
There is such thing as bombardment, and encroaching upon ones personal space, and it brings up the huge issue of trust. And if a child cannot trust they will be cared for, in the womb, or to have their primary needs fulfilled, it is likely to be played out until they have to take responsibility for it themselves, and evolve.
With love- Bree
I recommend Birth into Being & Scaravelli Yoga to free a traumatised body, EFT is also commonly used, I will explore this and post on it..
I dedicate this to the education & upliftment of all.
I have no certification for psychology, only energetic healing, yoga, reiki and interior design. :D haha and scuba diving ;D
Today I made a conscious decision to work on beaming only love to others, whether i am being criticised, manipulated, hated, projected upon, smothered with negative vibes, or loved.... and whether I feel anger, resentment, fear, unsureness etc....this in itself i want to commit to watching intently for at least 3 months.. liberation in action. I will love this time. So much gratitude for the Satyananda and Tibetan Buddhist Traditions for practically leading me more deeply back to this point and to 'myself' for surrounding me with the right people and places, practices, books and spaces..
To confirm this is where I need to be, I received a number of messages from the universe including alot of friendliness, trust, love and acceptance for others, and a beautiful beautiful written message from the universe at the ATM saying... 'welcome home, a world of joy awaits you.'
The lead up to this point is vast, and I will try to cover a little of it in separate posts, over the next 50 or so years. :D hehe... Briefly. The turning point, today, was recognising a main issue embedded into me and my karma as 'not feeling heard.' I asked for a recommendation from a waitress for something to eat when you have stomach upset, and she began to express pomegranate juice, green tea, another lady suggested what not to eat, spicy food, fried food...they didnt actually have pomegranate or green tea on the menu, and what not to eat, was not the question...i could have felt 'not heard,' i could also maybe have decide to feel that maybe they had something they wanted to express, and what did they need to hear in this moment, and more so feel, in the moment i decided to simply thank them for their input, observe the hurt i felt in my heart, and frustration in my throat, and order some dahl and rice..... In the future i will be more clear - what do you have on the menu for stomach upset? I will feel it all and then try to respond with more compassion and send love regardless. What to do.
Things big and small fly at you to test your resolve, and will continue to. Over the past 13 months of travelling i have been transforming into a state of love which sometimes i get triggered out of., for example a ryan air run in.hehe.....but just recently post 3 months in ashram and monastery life, i am in a space of healing again, a lot deeper this time, 'root' business.. things are coming up left right and centre to test my space and commitment to love and peace, to test my self respect and self love, my self worth, my boundaries,...
Just feeling the negativity projected upon me from a lady who didn't know i was unwell, and obviously wanted to chat,... her needs weren't being met,...now this brings up anger in me. This is unfair! I dont deserve this, and underneath, 'i deserve this', i am not good enough, i must deserve this, again and again.. I feel anger. Why do i deserve this? This is not fair. And the answer, feel it, and send love. Let it go, move on.. see it dissolve..
And so, 'the not being heard,' was a need which hasnt really been fulfilled throughout my life... a pattern began here... it lead to feeling frustrated and angry, and instead of feeling comfortable and safe expressing this, covering it with confusion, leading to my own little world of confusion. where tears of frustration and anger still come from time to time, if i feel a lack of love ...this karma is now unravelling to freedom, top of the mountain,... safely unravelling, scenario by scenario, closer and closer to my soul, and our soul...
I almost ready, to literally - go home to Australia, for a bit..
Some practice notes for your interest..
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
May all beings have happiness that is free from suffering
May all beings be free from hatred for enemies and attachment for friends (prayer)
OM Namo Manjushriye Namo Sushriye Namo Utama Shriye Soha
Om Triyam Bakam Yajamahe
Sugandhim Pushte Vardanam
Urdva Rukha Miva Bundanat
Mrityor Mam Ritat x 108 ( freedom from sorrow)
Gayatri Mantra x 27 ( freedom from fear - guidance)
Om Mani Padme Hum x 108 (mantra of compassion)
Working with light...
Connecting with higher self
Down raying light into the soul to clear mental and emotional bodies from guilt, grief, hatred..
Re-energising with light
Bringing in peace, balance to the energetic system,
Dedicate the energies of this practice to the higher enlightenment of all human beings..
If you want to hear more about my experiences with any of this, feel free to email me,...firstname.lastname@example.org
Other things which are helping me...
Yoga. Pranayama. Meditation. Mantra. Time and space to flow. Environment you enjoy and feel comfortable in. Supportive and free friends/ family. Alot of patience. Inner strength. The light above. The trees, the mountain and the sea. Massage and massaging. Healing and being healed. Uplifting music. Connecting to the love vibes.
It is like I have swiftly climbed straight to the top of the mountain, to find a whole range ahead of me,..an unexpectedly beautiful yet daunting sight of the adventure ahead... peaks, valleys & dangerous cliffs, rest houses with hot apple pie, stormy nights under the stars & avalanches on sunny days...and the only thing I can be sure of is that this mountain climbing was not designed to be easy, it would be much easier to stay in my comfortable high bed, waiting, for my next life.
But maybe this is why I am here, now. And maybe if I had asked for ease and this was what I truly needed, this is what I would get. But this is not where I am. And it is uncomfortably beautiful, right now, sitting on a rocky ledge looking at the universe. I know that everything is as it should be, and if I continue to give my all, I will continue to be showered with the sweetest essence available. Forget everything else, for it is short- lived matter - really.
Meditation for me, at the moment, is about listening to my self, observing emotional blocks and beginning to unravel them. From here, I am learning to take what i have been given and actively observe and accept what arises in the moment, from me and others. To respect myself and others, for all of our happiness is valuable.
For example, this morning I observed the same old replay.. ' I cant,' and 'its not my fault.' I have heard these repetitively for a long time, and so this morning i felt the courage and drive to explore them a little more...I can't -what? I can't - what?...the answer came, cry! I can't... CRY? Wow. Breakthrough. At the same time as 'cry' came to me, a big strike of guilt was felt in my heart. I felt guilty and bad and wrong for crying. Afraid to cry, to express myself. For my soul to express its sadness and imbalance. The beginning of suppression. So it is not ok to be myself It is not ok to express how i, the deeper I is feeling? to be who i am...? This is the message i have within me.
A fear of being self. A feeling of incapability. A deep sense of rejection and exclusion. And the only way i have felt to counteract this is to prove to myself and others that I can, hence the overachieving and competitiveness at a young age,.. and the saboteour? The one who steps in after one second of success and says thats enough, you were here to sacrifice yourself and your needs and feelings for others, to keep others happy, give your power away! It is not safe to succeed, or to be self. Its ok to feel how i am feeling, its been 6 years of trying to learn this - in adulthood. Grief and loss 101. And then changing the habit patterns in the now so i don't get to 50 and have even more loss to release. Lifelong project.
And the 'Its not my fault' An inbuilt victim? Whos fault is it? Jordans? I dont think so! How? And here my brother comes into it?.. it is jordans fault? This is where the confusion comes in. So soon, an inbuilt defense mechanism? Unlikely. Or an expression of truth?. I heard, the little me saying, 'Its not my fault i am crying. I cannot stop myself from crying, it is coming from within, a message.' I feel like others, have misunderstood this as, 'it is my jordans fault?' And so the game begins, all convinced, and very soon even the little ones, that someone was the cause of this, and someone was to blame. The projection of blame and continuation of issues.
The little one began to believe - 'This is unfair, and impossible, I need to cry.' The little I began to feel she was blaming, and she felt ashamed of this. This confusion, lack of clarity developed into, 'I am not safe here, i am a victim' .and another big one, ' you don't understand' ...when really, with a little bit of self knowledge we would all know it is vision of the true, pure and deep I? 'My soul is crying mum' 'it is sad, it is releasing, it wants to be heard and understood, loved, supported and cared for, deeply' - intro to the emotions - and seemingly not a very successful start, - imagine how different life would be if we believed others had no power over us?!..:D Oh well. Release.
Now this is huge for me, which is why i am sharing it - and it just needs to be felt, expressed and released.
My soul was seeking steps to the mountain top, it did not want to be stranded at the bottom, unfairly overshadowed in darkness and confusion. For years, fighting to be heard.
When we get pulled into the play, say of blame and shame, and begin to act on these issues, and take the past into the future, they get played into drama, so that you can learn your lessons and move on.. into freedom. Sometimes, along the way, we don't learn so fast, or we get lost, we become tangled and strangled.
'Life is but a poor player who struts and frets his life upon a stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale, full of sound and fury, signifiying nothing' Shakespeare
Right now, I choose, to feel, it all, and let it all go... Fortuntately, I have always had a sense of needing to be somewhere else, where I am not, this too, needs to go. Fortunately I have always been close to my soul. Fortunately I am alive, being torn in two directions with the forces of nature, yet whole and perfect.
After writing this, I came across a seemingly perfect healing practice seminar, 3 days of re-birthing, releasing emotions from within and re-playing and re-writing contracts with self... Yes, i am in the right place, I am in flow, as always. Sitting, sometimes smiling & sometimes crying, on the rocky ledge overlooking the universe.