Sunday, February 5, 2012

Inner Voice

It is like I have swiftly climbed straight to the top of the mountain, to find a whole range ahead of me, unexpectedly beautiful yet daunting sight of the adventure ahead... peaks, valleys & dangerous cliffs, rest houses with hot apple pie, stormy nights under the stars & avalanches on sunny days...and the only thing I can be sure of is that this mountain climbing was not designed to be easy, it would be much easier to stay in my comfortable high bed, waiting, for my next life.

But maybe this is why I am here, now.  And maybe if I had asked for ease and this was what I truly needed, this is what I would get.  But this is not where I am. And it is uncomfortably beautiful, right now, sitting on a rocky ledge looking at the universe.  I know that everything is as it should be, and if I continue to give my all, I will continue to be showered with the sweetest essence available.  Forget everything else, for it is short- lived matter - really.

Meditation for me, at the moment, is about listening to my self, observing emotional blocks and beginning to unravel them.  From here, I am learning to take what i have been given and actively observe and accept what arises in the moment, from me and others.  To respect myself and others, for all of our happiness is valuable.

For example, this morning I observed the same old replay.. ' I cant,' and 'its not my fault.'  I have heard these repetitively for a long time, and so this morning i felt the courage and drive to explore them a little more...I can't -what?  I can't - what?...the answer came, cry! I can't... CRY?  Wow.  Breakthrough. At the same time as 'cry' came to me, a big strike of guilt was felt in my heart.  I felt guilty and bad and wrong for crying.  Afraid to cry, to express myself.  For my soul to express its sadness and imbalance.  The beginning of suppression. So it is not ok to be myself  It is not ok to express how i, the deeper I is feeling? to be who i am...? This is the message i have within me.

A fear of being self. A feeling of incapability. A deep sense of rejection and exclusion.  And the only way i have felt to counteract this is to prove to myself and others that I can, hence the overachieving and competitiveness at a young age,.. and the saboteour? The one who steps in after one second of success and says thats enough, you were here to sacrifice yourself and your needs and feelings for others, to keep others happy, give your power away! It is not safe to succeed, or to be self.  Its ok to feel how i am feeling, its been 6 years of trying to learn this - in adulthood. Grief and loss 101.  And then changing the habit patterns in the now so i don't get to 50 and have even more loss to release.  Lifelong project.

And the 'Its not my fault'  An inbuilt victim?  Whos fault is it?  Jordans?  I dont think so! How? And here my brother comes into it?.. it is jordans fault? This is where the confusion comes in. So soon, an inbuilt defense mechanism? Unlikely. Or an expression of truth?. I heard, the little me saying, 'Its not my fault i am crying. I cannot stop myself from crying, it is coming from within, a message.'  I feel like others, have misunderstood this as, 'it is my jordans fault?' And so the game begins, all convinced, and very soon even the little ones, that someone was the cause of this, and someone was to blame.  The projection of blame and continuation of issues.

The little one began to believe - 'This is unfair, and impossible, I need to cry.'  The little I began to feel she was blaming, and she felt ashamed of this. This confusion, lack of clarity developed into, 'I am not safe here, i am a victim' .and another big one, ' you don't understand'  ...when really, with a little bit of self knowledge we would all know it is vision of the true, pure and deep I?  'My soul is crying mum' 'it is sad, it is releasing, it wants to be heard and understood, loved, supported and cared for, deeply' -  intro to the emotions - and seemingly not a very successful start, - imagine how different life would be if we believed others had no power over us?!..:D Oh well. Release.

Now this is huge for me, which is why i am sharing it - and it just needs to be felt, expressed and released.
My soul was seeking steps to the mountain top, it did not want to be stranded at the bottom, unfairly overshadowed in darkness and confusion.  For years, fighting to be heard.

When we get pulled into the play, say of blame and shame, and begin to act on these issues, and take the past into the future, they get played into drama, so that you can learn your lessons and move on.. into freedom.  Sometimes, along the way, we don't learn so fast, or we get lost, we become tangled and strangled.

'Life is but a poor player who struts and frets his life upon a stage and then is heard no more.  It is a tale, full of sound and fury, signifiying nothing'  Shakespeare

Right now, I choose, to feel, it all, and let it all go... Fortuntately, I have always had a sense of needing to be somewhere else, where I am not, this too, needs to go.  Fortunately I have always been close to my soul. Fortunately I am alive, being torn in two directions with the forces of nature, yet whole and perfect.

After writing this, I came across a seemingly perfect healing practice seminar, 3 days of re-birthing, releasing emotions from within and re-playing and re-writing contracts with self...  Yes, i am in the right place, I am in flow, as always.  Sitting, sometimes smiling & sometimes crying, on the rocky ledge overlooking the universe.

Always love