Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Good, the Bad and the... Beautiful...

A societal problem exists where an outside determinate of good and bad stands in the way of us meeting our fundamental needs - aka judgement.

One way this manifests in my life, is that I can feel bad, or wrong, for having these unconscious needs.  

Children historically have been disciplined to an extreme of being expected to giving their power away, so they are conditioned to be irresponsible, where the responsibility lies in the hands of the ruler, and the default becomes fulfilling the desires of others, the parents, the society or the world machine, rather than fulfilling themselves.  They are conditioned to neglect themselves, so much so that they truly do not know 'themselves' - and sometimes are so wired into the fear of not doing something right, that they rely upon feedback from others, and measure themselves externally(!!!) that they are doing something how someone else wants it, and so they are always 'needing' approval. They always have a sense of something not being right within themselves, like they dont know who they are, and they tend to blame themselves for being wrong and thats why they feel so uncomfortable, leading to a deep seated shame, and confusion, lack of confidence and low self esteem.

One unconcious need that i am talking about is the very humane need for touch.  For example, for me, a lack of touch, resulted in a longstanding drinking addiction, which tried to hide a promiscuousness...Clearly,  a need for touch is not bad at the core, but it can become a problem, which can sometimes be misunderstood and treated poorly, as well as confusing for someone caught in the web. It can also spiral into sexual perversion.  Now - receiving a little bit of massage is assisting me to fulfill and straighten out these needs..  and also being able to give massage is healing some grief within me.  It is completely natural for someone to need to be loved, and to feel closeness with others through feeling and vibration.

So. looking back, as a result of not knowing myself, and seeking approval i became prone to addictiveness, perfectionism, ambition and not acknowledging my feelings as valid or ok.  From a young age i committed to handing in school projects early and perfected, with an ambition for high grades, and to be 'the best'  ie be worthy of love, and this ambition, although never really fully maintained or allowed, as it was untrue, filled a hole.  In the meantime,  my perpetual neglected self and my deep and buried unknown needs for intimacy and deep soul desires were not acknowledged - on a level, i have actually felt ashamed to fulfill my own desires, because fulfilling this conditioned ambition seemed more important, and made me more worthy of what i actually deserved regardless.

 This learning experience of course, had both a cost and a reward. The cost being alot of pain and confusion and the reward being a resolution: stability, strength and profound transformation, developed through a dedicated commitment to alot of yoga, meditation, experimentation, guidance and insight.  Resulted in the uncovering of something beautiful, and the allowance of my truth.

Children are too young and innocent to know or speak for themselves and their own truth, they need sensitive guides to lead them to their truth, so that they feel who they are, by turning inwards rather than outwards in times of contraction, or confusion. This will lead to a happier, more fulfilled and peaceful vibe here on earth.  I have heard on the grapevine that this next round of children will have alot more access to the beautiful life.  Halleluyah!