Today i was directed by a strange aussie bloke to 'check out' a disabled man cleaning his very large flashy vintage car in the main street of adelaide. My friend noted that it was unexpected to see the car and match it with someone disabled. I understood he was implying that the car is seen as out of the disabled guys league.
The night before i had done some processing on the karmic patterns which i continually have been facing since Goa @ the beginning of the year...
Firstly i had set an INTENT, to come more into my body, and to open to blessings and flowering.
I then drew some tarot cards: Flowering card, past lives card.
Now i began to go over some of the strange re-occurences and patterns or wounds i have been holding:
- Creating space in my relationship with my parents, and observing them begin to slow down, and be less in a rush.
- Jealousy: i slipped in and out of an energetic pattern, with other women being fearful towards me, a placing of self above or below others, a jealous look of you think your better than me reflected back to me, and another woman apologised to me for bumping me, feeling that i was upset by it, she was projecting a fear of punishment and shame for upsetting me - jealousy, inadequacy and shame. These are wounds i have held from australian culture.
- Ego Battle: Non acknowledgment of differences in australian culture, all being pressured to be the same, seeing difference as meaning one is better than the other. Only one best, competitive nature of our nation. 'if there is only one winner allow it to be you' - ego battles. Not being heard.
- Sacrificing own life, saw a statue of this,, and felt a blessing.
- Twice yesterday, people pushed in front of me in ques to pay, i was ignored, someone else was considered as more important, there before, first. Second child.
- Disabled themes -I was born unwell, and constantly 'fixed' more than my brother - imperfection - not quite right, never going to be 'right' wrong or bad.
- Retarded themes - repression.
- Ego fighting-= one better, one right, no acknowledgment
- Powerlessness and helplessness
- Ignoring intuition and getting into trouble
- Giving power away
- Picking up others energies
- 'Spoilt' guilt about having needs met, acting above others as way of separating?
- Needing to be fixed
- Unacknowledged things, parts of self
- Aboriginal wounds: At the museum, I observed a wound of the aboriginals, that they feel that their culture was stolen from them, and that the need an apology. and they have the right to continue with their culture despite the of their homeland.
- I was watching the Voice, and observed one song about abandonment issues, where she was left me alone, an anger, and then a resolution, now i am left to embrace the world - a parting of mother and child, so that child and daughter can become a loving and fearless, courageous woman ready to love and cherish all.
Basically, my soul feels it needs to shed and drop all of this consciousness, in order to open to blessings! The sign of the disabled man in the car, i felt, was a message to say this is being healed - a signal of hope, and healing. A symbol of worth - shows how maybe i perceived, picked up energy, of being imperfect as being less than, an inadequacy and disability and lack of deserving.
There is a sense of not being as good as others, not worth as much, inadequate, broken, not good enough. This was proven from a young trying to appear perfect, my parents wanting to hide any imperfections from me, always telling me i was fine, when i really knew i wasn't, And when i told them i was fine, they would tell me i wasn't. i could feel there fear and unsureness about my future the medications had only been created the year before my birth. Of course they were unsure, and frightened. They lied about their feelings, and about the the truth from the beginning. Contradictions, Wrongness. Of course there is some anger in here, i do not need to feel wrong for feeling this anger as well. This is where poor self esteem kicks in. I believe in truth and honesty. and integrity, and feel i deserve that, as do all. This is my 'i am bad' wound.
I was shown that you can still live your dreams and have perfect and refined world around you, and be in prime position even with this imperfection. You can still care for your world, and purify body and soul. And enjoy life. Simply beautiful! Gratitude flows. xxx
This is my truth.