Friday, June 15, 2012

Journal Notes...I walk..

'I walk loudly, amongst it all.  
taking care
 -observing it as it is -
hearing and seeing,
a beautiful path
of creation and destruction..
and listening,
to the sound of one.

Being - unattached to tomorrow,
and aligning myself with truth.

Being - aware of the cultural conditioning
of words,
and the deeper memories of their meaning.

Feeling the effects of drowning
in an ocean of buzzy city goers
- and dropping the cause as i walk.
Sometimes seeing the stickiness
of past memories and old beliefs...
created long before this time.
Caught here.

Waiting, watching and listening for my joy,
'a great chore,'
divine grace to share
a chance to create space
to be
for all.
I am ready. i am ready i am...

Amidst the strait jacketed,
I feel an outsider
 - patterns -
want me to give away truth
to give away my heart
 -to fit in?-
to an empty hole?
Be quiet now sweet child?
And when things move too swiftly,
 - and when i need to rest or in fear -
meditation sessions become shorter and interrupted..
 - Just a little effort break the chain -

Avoidance,  into the intellect,
 - out of intelligence-
this divine dancer stops her flow,
 -still defaults into thought- 
upon how it feels
to be living and dead.
This is not real and true.
This is fear.

All in all - creating the causes -
for an unreal close down.
A tight fist.
An 'I do not want to feel this pain'
Watching the body gradually close-
movement becomes fragmented
less alive
less true.

- keep up -
a whisper, a flash

The judging of movements...
the assessment, the whole misinterpretation,
to keep others happy?
How to fend off opinions and unwanted feedback?
fear. of self.
- see and shift-

- Creating this once living hell -
of comparison
of jealousy
and violence and domination
backwards pull.
- fear. of greatness -

I have forgotten how far i have come
 - no -
and try to grasp
where these old 'friends' 
are walking.
If i could just fit in and not be alone.
Not wise
unless you drown to give them a hand
  - but don't get me wrong
I do not want advice
from the unconscious - 
So i pact with myself, utter privacy
no words- no confusion
the sacred space
really give, and really receive
no being caught in the politics of words with no heart
 - pure and innocent words -
 peaceful environments of light
- love -

Was i trying to imitate - again?
For a sense of ease.
and trust in the known.
To support others vision,
you do not need to follow it.
You can respect -
and maintain your self & values.
For this imitation is not true, its stupid.
is it suicide?  
And was an original motivation for the path
of being.
- work to know truth-
realisation is the beginning

I urge myself to step in and serve
'meditation is charity'
 'god has no hands'
repeat energetically in my soul.

Feeling drowned in an ocean of fear
and unconsciousness
and needing to escape this deadly lifestyle
for fear
of forgetting
and getting pulled into the 
machine of mass destruction

I pack my bags, 
a feeling grows inside my heart
it is loud and sickly need to find a base.

I continue to head for the light
- I know i hold it -
and yet i am trying to find space and time
- and a deep comfort -
to grow it.
I call for a grounding.
And i continue to wait and listen.

a sweet thankyou arises-
for i am, i smell, i breathe, swim, fly and love
i am free
How wonderful to be in the body
 - Rest in lovc-

Any more than this would be a great pretention
to gain 'worth' in your eyes
in selling truth
for 'your love'
meditate on this type of owned love
i do not need to give or receive this love
for i am love

I do not need this approval you cruelly withhold
good or bad?
for i am love
love just is

I am not a dump
for bad feelings 
or for your need for me to be bad
so you can look good
or your need for me to appear good in your eyes
so i do what you want,
and relieve you of the fear of not knowing
Watch yourself.

If my material needs have been fulfilled
who are you to name me
for it was my emotions that were spoilt
clearly you can sense it destruction and death
will be grace manifest.
My shame - your virtue
Look deeper and you will see some real spoiling.

Who knows what tomorrow brings
lets not destroy your tomorrow for my today.
Waiting. for a fine harvest.
Not long now? '

with love-
this divine dancer